We made a big announcement recently! Our sweet baby is arriving in July and we couldn’t be more excited. But this isn’t our first baby and so I wanted to share our story. There have been a lot of articles recently about miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and the importance of bringing these realities into the open. It is something that so many women deal with, but you may never really know that someone had that experience. I never thought I would experience this. In fact, it was my absolute worst fear about starting a family. To anyone out there who has lost a baby through miscarriage, chemical pregnancy or otherwise, I’m writing this for you. No matter how old your baby was, no matter how long you knew it was there…it is still your baby. And I know that you love it.
Today is March 31, 2017. This was meant to be the birthday of our baby. Our little baby girl or boy who we only knew for a few short days. I had little idea you were growing in my womb but that didn’t make the loss any easier. Even though you were only five weeks old, you will be loved for a lifetime.
Last July, we realized that I was about a week late. We spent what seemed like a fortune at the store getting countless tests that kept coming back negative. FINALLY we had resolution. A positive test. I couldn’t believe it! It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Of course, we needed to verify the results and after a couple more negatives, we got that second positive. That meant it was official, we were pregnant. I wanted to tell everyone. I called my doctor and scheduled a first appointment. We left Pennsylvania to return home and Nick headed out of town for a field expedition. I went back to work and everything seemed glorious. On Friday, I was at an all-staff retreat and started to feel some cramping. I knew that this was not entirely uncommon early on so I just shrugged it off. Slowly it got more severe and I noticed some light spotting when I went to the bathroom. I tuned out the speaker and did a ton of research to try and figure out if this fit into the “normal” range or not. By the afternoon, I was feeling a lot of pain but didn’t want to overreact. One of my friends at work noticed that I was clearly uncomfortable and asked what was wrong. I shared with her about the new pregnancy and that I was so scared that something was wrong. She told me what I already knew: that I needed to go to the hospital.
While I was in the hospital having tests run to confirm what I already knew, my sweet nurse shared with me that 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage of some kind. 50% of miscarriages are considered a chemical pregnancy, which is when your body is pregnant and then suddenly starts your period leading to a spontaneous miscarriage. That seems to be what happened to me. Just as soon as my little baby was there, it was gone. So, for anyone struggling with this, please know that I hear you. I understand you. I know the kind of hurt that makes you more tired than you’ve ever been before. I cry for you.
I also encourage you. Celebrate your baby. It doesn’t matter that it is no longer here, it WAS there. Remember the baby and love the baby. And don’t let it hold you back from living. Losing a child was literally my worst fear. Even though I only had my first baby for five weeks, it was still my baby, my child. But I won’t let that fear cripple me. God performs miracles every second of every day. And the baby we are preparing to welcome in July is proof.